One More Kuehn: February 2014

First….let me say once again how grateful we are for all of your prayers and support. It has been so great to hear from so many friends and loved ones throughout the last few weeks. Our first week home has been a whirlwind and I can’t believe we’ve now had Eli with us for almost 3 weeks! I know I have had conversations with many of you on what we are doing to help Eli transition into our family. But, this process so goes against anything any of us have ever done, so I wanted to take a minute to really give you perspective from Eli’s standpoint. I am stealing much of this from another Lifeline family who is in China now getting their daughter, but I thought it was such a thorough explanation that I wanted to share it with you all too. It’s long, so get ready…

Our biggest concern at this point is the emotional health of our son. In his short life, he will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than many adults could handle. While he may not consciously remember the events, he will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. He’s already experienced the loss of a birthmother and the loss of a foster family as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. His world has turned upside down. He will struggle with feeling safe and secure and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs.

We have been waiting anxiously for Eli to arrive but he has not been waiting for us. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help him through it and prove that we are his permanent family and this truly is his last stop. We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for our son, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding.

A couple requests:

For the first few weeks home, we ask that you don’t ask to hold him or give him anything (even a dropped toy) For a while, we need to be the only ones who hold him, change him, feed him, instruct him, snuggle him, gives him toys, basically meet any of his needs (big or small). If he reaches for you, please smile and point him back to us. If you have special gifts, you can save them for later or give them to us to give to him. He needs to see that we are the ones that things go through for him. We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold him, give him food, or offer him a drink. We understand that some of you have waited and anticipated his arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward will be great! Once he is securely attached to us, he will be able to give love to and receive love from all the other very important people in his life. In time, when he understands we are “his people” you will be encouraged to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

Think of it from Eli’s perspective. Just a few weeks before he sees you, he will have met four strangers (us) who sound different and look different than anyone he has ever seen, who took him away from everything that was familiar to him. At 3 years old, after spending a couple of weeks starting to bond with us, he has no idea if the next strangers he meets are going to then take him away as well. We are willing to do whatever we can to help him learn that he can trust that we are his for good. He will have to learn that we are the ones who meet his needs, who love and care for him in a different way than others, who make decisions for him and are his family.

You may see Eli and think he is friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because he may happily go to anyone. This is actually a survival mechanism that children in orphanages pick up. They learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their needs met and get what they want. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. We want Eli to turn to us when he is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.

This is hard especially for extended family. It will be hard for us too because we want so much for him to bond with all of you. But we have to trust what the attachment/adoption experts have told us on this and do what is best for our son. They recommend that we have a time of “cocooning” with Eli, a time where we focus on connecting and bonding as a family and help him to learn that we are his family and we aren’t going anywhere. Helping him to create a security in his identity as son and brother is vastly important to his attachment in the long run. We have learned from other families who have adopted before us that when an adopted child develops a strong bond with a grandparent or other family member or friend before the parents, it can significantly delay and complicate attachment. We have spent time focusing on building bonds between our extended family and Trip and Mady, and want to do the same with Eli, but this will have to be at a slower pace because it is so important for him that he bond with us first. Biological children form this attachment quickly and easily as newborns. In fact, they do a lot of things naturally that an adopted child may have to learn.

So basically, with adoption, it's backwards.

Where we may have encouraged our bio kids to be comfortable being held by others or taken care of by others, we will have to help Eli first do what biological children naturally do – prefer us and trust us more than others. Where we may encourage Trip and Mady to be “tough” or “shake it off” when they are hurt, we may make a huge deal over a little scrape so that Eli begins to trust that we are going to care about his hurts in a way that no one has before and that he can seek us out for comfort. With Trip and Mady we may encourage independence and we may let them work through things that are upsetting to them in a way that we won’t do with Eli in the beginning. You may see us keeping Eli close and carried around like a baby. We may feed him a bottle, let him sleep in our bed, and in general treat him like an infant. It may seem like we spoil him or like we are keeping him from others. Please understand that this is all based on a lot of research and what we have been taught is for the good of his attachment. Please understand that we want our friends and family to bond with him. We just have to do it on his time.

How long will that take? We have no idea. We have been told a few weeks to a few months or longer. We will look for signs that he is securely attaching to us and follow that. We are optimistic that, having been part of a foster family, it won’t take him as long to attach as if he had been in the orphanage, because hopefully he has learned what a family looks like and learned how to securely attach. But we just don’t know yet.

So, we don't want anyone to have their feelings hurt or feel that we are keeping him from all of you. Everyone in our community and family have been a huge part of this journey and helping us financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. So, we are asking you to join us on the second part. This isn't the glamorous part. This isn't just the precious adorable smiling child, or the energy of fundraising. This is when we parent and love and grow into a family with a new child who has come from a hard place.

This does not mean we do not want visitors or that we want to be left alone! Quite the opposite, we very much welcome visitors and want you to meet Eli. Please call or text any time and let us know you want to come over and if it is a good time, we would love to have you. We welcome any of our friends to come over just to visit, play, bring food, take Trip and Mady out to do something fun, etc. In fact, now that TJ is back to work and Trip and Mady are in school all day, I will probably be going stir crazy and will welcome a chance to have company! We just ask that when you are there you keep these things in mind and point Eli to us to meet any need he may have.

We also ask that whenever you see us, you please pay lots of attention to Trip and Mady, too. They will need lots of extra attention and nurture as their little worlds are turned upside down too and we will be needing to focus so much attention on their new little brother.

Also, if you have any questions on the attachment or don't get why we are doing something, please feel free to ask us! We are not offended by questions and we will explain it the best we know how.

We so appreciate all your support in this adjustment. Thank you for loving us, giving us so much grace, and being with us through all of this.

We would love for you to pray for Eli as he learns to trust and to love us in return.